ABOUT ME
I played football from the age of 6 until the age of 17. When I was 14 or 15 years old, I played with the men’s team. Afterwards, I played for the women’s team for three more years. I had mostly positive experiences, but eventually, it became too hard for me to bear everything that was going on in my life, including my transition. Among other things, it was too hard to feel good among women. I put everything on hold, for myself and my mental well-being. With pain in my heart, I decided I needed to quit football.
“My advice to all non-binary and trans persons: whatever they think or say about you, the most important thing is to keep playing sports. There are plenty of people who will help and support you though.”
SPORTS AS AN IMPOSSIBLE ASSIGNMENT
For example, you are expected to shower together. I have never done that. Not since puberty anyway. I never showered at the club, always at home. I was always one of the first out of the dressing room. Even in indoor football, I never showered at the club. Yet there they were all men and showered in their underwear.
It’s hard to explain why I didn’t do that… You’re not in the right body or you don’t feel good in your skin and you have to shower with people who you think feel good. That feels very weird. I didn’t want that, because at the time I didn’t really know what was going on and what I was feeling either. Even showering with underwear, like at the indoor football club, was still difficult. I usually just turned my back to everyone else.
It is these things that made me actually stop enjoying football. During training sessions or matches it still worked, because the focus was completely on the sport, but outside of it, it wasn’t going to work for me anymore. It was too difficult. Besides, there is always the fear of what people will think or what questions they will ask. If they suddenly know you are a trans person, they are going to gossip or act differently. I didn’t experience that at a sports level, but I already experienced that at school.
YOUR OUTLET FALLS AWAY
Playing football was a moment of liberation. I could focus on something other than my feelings and that was a relief. I also noticed that people in my surroundings really do miss playing sports. Like me, my best friend, also a footballer, quit because of not feeling good in his body and wanting to transition.
“I regret losing that joy of football. That was an outlet, nothing else mattered and you could forget all your worries. Only playing football and winning the game counted.”
I also know people who are in transition but still play at their former club. I think it’s good that this is possible in football (cfr gender bias). I wish more sports could allow this. If you transition and you want to stay with your current team, that’s a conscious choice and that means that everyone, or at least almost everyone, accepts you. Of course, it is unfortunate that at some point you might then no longer have permission to continue playing with your familiar team.
For some, the step from a men’s to a women’s team (or vice versa) is also just too big. There really is a barrier there, or at least for me. I have said on several occasions that I would like to get back on track, but going to a club and asking to come and play amongst the men is quite difficult. For example, I once played a match amongst the men’s team, but I am neither tall nor wide. I am generally not afraid of duelling, but still that doubt crept in sometimes.
CONFIDANTS
I deliberately don’t take my transition to a sports club. For instance, when I was still playing for the ladies, my team did not know that I was not feeling well. I had informed my coach, though. And teachers at school were also aware.
I had support everywhere. More than support even. My P.E. teacher understood that I no longer wanted to get changed in the girls dressing room, and so he asked me what I needed. I was allowed to get changed with the boys, in the toilets or his changing room. Whatever felt best, I was allowed to do. He was very understanding. That feels good. It was also very important because at a certain point, those PE lessons were my only experience with sports. I could let go of everything for a while.
I confided in my trainer and PE teacher because I felt like we clicked. If they respect you and you respect them, it’s easy. Otherwise, you are not going to have that relationship. It does remain doubtful and somewhat frightening for a while, because some teachers, for example, don’t know how to deal with it properly. As a result, they sometimes say things that can come across as hurtful or don’t offer a solution.
I need to know there is a confidant to begin with, because you can’t carry it all alone. Or a separate changing room, although I know they can’t free that up right away. But if you have a down day where you still don’t feel like enough of a man or woman, you can at least shower somewhere safely.
NEED FOR CHANGE
Although I had mostly positive experiences and could turn to several people, outside of that I didn’t have anyone to find inspiration or comfort from. Besides, I think there are far too few role models in sport. I do miss sports now. I want to start again, take up football again. That’s such a great outlet and I miss that in my life, but you feel like an outsider so quickly. That makes it very difficult to step back into it.
To me, a confidant is someone who has experience within the community but who also has knowledge of the sport and has a good connection with the person in question. That confidant must also know how to react to comments or bullying behaviour. That could be anyone within the sports club. If you apply as a trans or non-binary person, it is nice that the club can immediately say, “This is your confidant”. Then you can go straight to that person if anything is going on and you want to keep it as private as possible.
That way, the club also shows that they are doing their best to create a safe environment. At the moment, the responsibility for being able to play sports lies largely with me, but the club has to make sure that everyone is safe enough to play sports with them. I had the advantage of having someone there all the time. I can imagine that if you end up in a team where you don’t know anyone, it is very difficult to step up to someone. At a time like that, it would be easy to know that the club is making efforts to create a safe atmosphere. At the end of the day, everyone is there for the same purpose and for that one thing: to play sports.
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